Tuesday, February 28, 2006 

Television Tuesday

Before getting down to the business that is Television Tuesday, I’ve got two bits of housekeeping to get out of the way:

1) Yes, I specifically chose a picture of the Ms. Keibler that was less than revealing. The WAD is a family friendly place. Okay…that’s not always true, but we try. If you want something more revealing, I hear you can find many more revealing pictures pretty easily on the Internet. I’m not sure, but that’s what I hear.

2) The last thing Fite needs is anyone slurping him, but those two comments about Vince Young yesterday (the extra point and the Marcus Vick comment) were the two funniest things ever posted on The WAD. There is a whole new standard for hilarious inappropriate humor. I’ve never been prouder.

Without further ado, here’s 1,500 words on Tuesday Night Television. I really need a hobby.

“24”
Has anybody ever melted down worse than Rudy did last night? (Well, other than Moana, but more about that in a minute) Wow! It was like he was channeling Ryan Chappelle and Bobby Knight. Simply horrifying. However, while he was slowly melting down, I was torn. Call it a crisis of conscience. On the one hand, if the terrorist attack, we are rid of the First Lady problem. On the other hand, if they attack, the Russian President, 35 secret service agents, and worst of all, Aaron, the greatest secret service agent of all time, will die. Well, let’s just say that today wasn’t the day for Aaron to die. He stepped up big, mowed down three bad guys, and made the retched First Lady swoon. Anybody else see a love triangle brewing?

As usual, this episode of “24” raised more questions than it answered:

1) How in the hell were men with bazookas able to stroll right up to the Russian President’s motorcade? Seriously, this defies logic. Of all the unrealistic things that happen on this show, this might be the most absurd ever.

2) Well, Jack asked himself the right question when he said “how could I be so stupid?’ Just more frightening evidence that Jack might be slipping just a tad. There is simply no way Jack Bauer would ever turn his back on this Christopher Henderson.! Ever!; That being said…

3) Did Christopher Henderson really think he could kill Jack Bauer? C’mon dude. You mentored this guy. You know him. This was just stupid. I’m pretty sure Chris can measure the rest of his life in minutes rather than hours. You did it to yourself Chief. Nobody else to blame.

4) Do you think Sean Astin actually crapped himself when they shot the scene where Curtis stared him down and removed him from power? I’m pretty sure he did. While we’re on the subject, am I the only one that is sure Rudy is as big a Napoleonic twit in real life as he plays on “24”? I’ve never been more certain of anything else in my life. He has surpassed Sandra Oh as my least favorite person on television. This is no small feat.

5) Has there ever been a greater preview for the next episode than last night? I mean, Kim Bauer and Tony Almeida come back in the same episode? That’s right kids, we’re going old school baby, and I love it. As my boy Hans would say, now we are definitely cooking with gas. (By the way, from the looks of the preview, we are getting “The Girl Next Door” Cuthbert…Yes Siiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrr!)


“The Bachelor”
Well, this is it. We’re down to two women and Travis has brought in the family. Mom, Dad, Sister, brother-in-law, and his two nieces. Let the shameless sucking up to the family begin. No way this isn’t entertaining. Here’s a blow by blow account of the last episode of The Bachelor Paris(yes guys, it’s finally over):

Round 1: Meeting the Family

Sarah
The safe play, Sarah, got first crack at the family. First she spent several hours playing with his nieces. Easy pickings for a kindergarten teacher. So, the kids liked her. Big deal.

Next came a sit down with Mom and Dad. First, Travis’s Mom has the worst haircut I’ve ever seen. His dad looks like a chief though. Sarah rambled on about how much she wants Travis, she loves Travis, blah, blah, blah……oh, sorry, I almost fell asleep. God, she’s horribly boring. Let’s put it this way, Travis’s Dad described her as “good, true, and genuine.” Those are great traits if you are looking for a Priest, but when you are looking for the woman you are going to spend the rest of your life with wouldn’t you want a little more excitement? Okay, I’m officially taking this WAAAAAAAYYYYY to seriously. Please don’t take my man card away. I’m going to press pause and watch some sports for a minute………..okay, that’s better. Feeling much more manly now.

Moana
Just like Sarah she started off with some time with the Sister, brother-in-law, and nieces. She scored big points with the sister. She actually moved her to tears. Then, the brother in law pulled her aside for a chat and she hit a homerun. Listen, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…Moana is the type of chick that dudes like. By that I mean, she’s cool, hot, and just crazy enough to keep things interesting!

Then came the meeting with Mom and Dad over dinner! Disaster alert! Disaster alert! Dude, this was a total melt down. I can’t even put into words how awkward these moments were. It was worse than Nate Robinson in the dunk contest!!!! I seriously couldn’t watch.

Then the parents took her into another room for a 2 on 1 sit down where her Dad played Ted Kennedy to her Justice Alito. It was awful. When she uttered, “sniffle…at no other point in my life…sniffle…have I ever looked at another human being…sniffle…where I saw my soul shining back at me…blah…sniffle…blah….sniffle…” Hans and I exploded in horrified laughter. It was AWFUL. In fact, this exchange prompted Hans to suggest that Moana needed to…um….well…ah…switch to the “full court press” in order to save things. It’s the fourth quarter and you’re down by a double digits sweetheart. It’s time to make it a 94 foot game.

Sara definitely scored a knockdown in Round 1. It’s 10-8 Sara on Howard Lederman’s scorecard after 1.


Round 2: The Girls’ Moms Pay a Visit

Moana’s mom is really good looking. Sarah’s mom is really not.
Round 2 goes to Moana 10-9 on Howard’s card.


Round 3: Last Date With Travis


Sarah
I’m so excited because I’ve finally found a cure for my insomnia that doesn’t involve prescription medicine. Thank you Sarah. The fact that Travis seemed to like this date just reaffirms that while he puts on a good face at times, he is really a tool.

Moana
She cooks, she’s bright, she’s honest, she’s eloquent, and she’s definitely NOT boring. However, all her “I’m in love…I deeply want this man…blah, blah, blah” crap is starting to make me think that she possesses a little more than a healthy amount of craziness. In other words, she may be a little more like Antonio Davis’s wife than Jason Kidd’s wife! Oh well. In all honesty, at this point, I would probably choose Phil Hartman’s wife over Sarah! And yes, she killed him in cold blood.

Lederman gives Round 3 to Moana 10-9.

So, just as we should, we’ve got a draw and the final decision goes to Travis. I have no doubt he’s going to take the safe route and pick Sarah. I mean, just add it to the list of unsatisfying Champions of ’05-’06. What a waste this year has been.

The Decision:

Can you feel the excitement? Don’t lie, I know you can.

Moana gets out of the car first, so we know it’s over. It’s done. The first one out of the car loses. I can’t believe I got sucked into this damn show just to see this dude pick a dime a dozen chick. This makes it official…every team or person I root for is destined to lose. I’m the real life Mush. I’m so pissed I’m actually screaming obscenity’s at the television right now. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Dude, I hate myself for caring this much. I seriously hate myself right now.

So, he gives Moana the news and she steps up once again. First, she doesn’t hug him back. Then she tells him she is shocked, and finally she gracefully exits without losing it. Just when we think she’s about to make it out with her dignity intact…she absolutely loses it in the limo. One last horrifying moment from this year’s “Bachelor.” I don’t even know what to say. Fortunately, Hans does…as Moana was in the midst of the worst meltdown since Chernobyl, my esteemed roommate looked at me and said, “I’ve said it before, but she definitely ______ him.” I trust you can fill in the blank. Well, I don’t know about you, but don’t think there is anything left to say.

Monday, February 27, 2006 

Monday Musings

I. NBC’s two week nightmare is finally over. The Winter Olympics are finished and most of America didn’t even know they started. Well, that’s of course an exaggeration, but here are a few suggestions I have for spicing up the Olympic coverage:

1) First and foremost, unless the Olympics, winter or summer, are able to be broadcast live in prime time, they will never be the same for us. The internet just makes most of the Olympics moot. Sure, I made a point to watch certain events, but only after I had read about them on ESPN.com and decided I was interested. There’s really nothing we can do about this. It’s just the facts.

2) Get rid of all the X-games stuff that we invented just so we could win more medals. To put it another way, any sport where you can successfully compete while stoned should not be an Olympic sport. (Yes, I realize this means that the NBA players will no longer be able to compete in the Summer games, but it’s a price we have to pay.) As far as I’m concerned, here are the only events that should be Winter Olympic sports:

a) Hockey
b) Speed skating in all its forms
c) Alpine skiing in all its forms
d) figure skating
e) luge
f) skeleton
g) bobsled
h) cross country skiing
i) bi-athalon

I’m sure I’m missing something, but you get the point. Get back to your roots and scrap all the new stuff. I love watching some of these snowboarding and free-style skiing stuff, but it’s just not dignified to be an Olympic sport. That’s right, I used the word dignified. I’m officially a sports snob.

3) All Winter Olympic venues should be outside in the elements. Do you remember how cool it was to see the breath pouring out of the speed skater’s mouths and the steam coming off the ice when we were kids? It just adds to the drama. Hard to explain, but it’s true.

4) Only ABC should be allowed to broadcast the Olympics. In short, if Jim McKay isn’t involved, it’s just not the Olympics. Nobody covers sports better than ABC. If you care to have this conversation sometime, buy me 10 beers and I can go on for hours about how the quality of ABC/ESPN broadcasters shames the other networks.


II. Nobody in America was more relieved than Jerry Rice that Jerry Rice didn’t win “Dancing With the Stars” last night. Poor Jerry knew he didn’t belong, and the last thing he wanted to be was the Pittsburgh Steelers of reality t.v. You know, what I’m talking about…he didn’t want to be handed a championship on national t.v. that he knew he didn’t deserve.


III. Geoff Ogilvy winning the Accenture Match Play Championship is even less fulfilling than the Steelers winning the Super Bowl. At least with the Steelers, I knew who they were. On a scale of 1 to 10 how pissed do you think the folks at Accenture and ABC were that Ogilvy made the finals? My guess is that they considered taking a hit out on him Saturday night. What a debacle! (Yes, I’m the first to admit that I’m a sucker for star power. As far as I’m concerned, the quality of a sporting event is as good as the quality of its stars. Let’s just say that in a year where the Spurs, White Sox, and Steelers have won the three major sports championships, I’m seriously considering inflicting pain on myself.)


IV. So, I watched my new favorite college basketball team, the Villanova Wildcats, crumble in the second half at UConn. In the process, a few things became abundantly clear:
a) After ‘Nova took a one point lead at 59-58, Allan Ray picked up his fourth foul. With him on the bench, UConn pulled away. As much as I love Randy Foye, Allan Ray is the engine for this ‘Nova team. For them to have a chance to make the Final Four, Ray has to play 36 minutes a game from here until the first weekend in April.
b) I don’t know how it’s taken me this long to figure this out, but UConn is by far the best team in America. I’ve seen them play a handful of times this year, but I never quite understood until the second half of yesterday’s game. They have no weaknesses. Seriously, with Boone and Armstrong swatting shots down low, Rudy Gay filling lanes and doing all the remarkable things he does, Marcus Williams running the show like the best PG in America, and Rashad Anderson coming off the bench and stroking threes, I’d take UConn against the field in March. Unless they beat themselves, I haven’t seen the team yet that I would EXPECT to beat them.

V. I guess I have to mention J.J. Redick’s breaking of the all time ACC scoring record. It’s a tremendous accomplishment, and he’s having a season for the ages, but before we elevate this accomplishment to legendary proportions, somebody has to say what needs to be said. What is that? Well, just because he’s the all time leading scorer, J.J. Redick isn’t close to being one of the greatest players in league history. Not close. Let’s put his record in context. When you consider that until the mid-70’s freshman didn’t play, and since the start of the 90’s, most great players haven’t stuck around to see four years of college, and until 1987 the three point line wasn’t a part of league play, you can’t use this record as a point of comparison when discussing the greatest players in league history. But, that being said, congratulations J.J.; I would never want to take anything away from your accomplishment.


VI. Finally, let me just say that if I had known Dr. Grey started crying in the middle of….um…you know…with Dr. O’Malley, he might not have been man of the week last week. Oh well. These are the chances you take when you name a fictional character Man of the Week.


Friday, February 24, 2006 

What the Hell


It's Friday...I haven't offered anything new since Tuesday...but most importantly...It's Stats' birthday. Well, even though Fite and Stats have never actually met in person, they have developed a deep...um..."admiration" for one another. As a result, Fite sent me a picture and said "hey, it's Stats' birthday. Let's do a little something special for him and give him another caption contest. Please Mike...for me?" Okay, I totally made that last sentence up, but he did send me a great picture, and in honor of Stats' birthday, it must be shared now. Let's have some fun with this one:

 

Still Struggling

Sorry guys, but I'm still getting beat down by this funk I've got, so I don't have the energy to put together rational thoughts today. It sucks too, because I had so much material at my disposal. I mean, we had Stacy Kiebler smoldering on Dancing With the Stars last night and Drew Lachey covering his back side with a cowboy hat when it was suggested he could play the lead in Brokeback Mountain the musical (you just KNOW there is going to be backlash from this - can't you just picture the public apology Drew has to make on Sunday night's show- I bet he doesn't make it through without laughing.). We had the Number 2 team in the nation, Villanova, winning in the final seconds at Cinciannati. But most of all, I have hadn't a chance to take my cheap shots at Isiah for the DUMBEST trade in the history of the NBA. There is simply no way anybody anywhere on the planet can defend this trade. It is the apex of stupidity, and I fully anticipate Isiah being mamed and beaten by "Jerome from Queens" at any time. (When I was in law school I used to listen to sports talk radio as I was going to sleep every night, and this guy named "Jerome from Queens" would call the 660 the Fan late night show every night and just rant uncontrollably and incoherently. He was high comedy. I think he might have been a little "special" but I can't confirm that, so I'm good with making jokes).

Anyway, as you can see, there is a lot I could have talked about today, but I feel like crap, and I would just as soon get done with work early and go home and cover my body in Vicks Vapo Rub and take Nyquil until I'm in a good solid 24 hour coma. So, I will just wish you a good weekend, and promise to see you again on Monday. We need to pick up the energy next week. The past two weeks we've been schleping around like me after two Cuban sandwiches and a bag of Cheetohs. Not good.

Thursday, February 23, 2006 

Caption Contest


Sorry that there was nothing new yesterday. No need to screw around today....Here's an entire day's worth of the caption contest. Thanks to Fite for sending the picture. Good stuff.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006 

Television Tuesday

“24”

It’s official…Rudy has replaced Dr. Yang as the most despicable character on television. I can’t even put into words how much I hate this guy. Couldn’t Edgar just sit on him and bring this madness to an end? More importantly, the gauntlet has been dropped, and after a few sub-par weeks, things are starting to heat up. Don’t believe me? Well, consider this:

We’ve got new bad guys crawling out of the wood work, we’ve got Jack putting Curtis to sleep WWF style, we’ve got traitors turning into Patriots, we’ve got Chloe dumping an entire days’ worth of calls on the same day as a President was assassinated and terrorists released nerve gas on U.S. soil, we’ve got fat middle aged white guys looking like Rambo on a roof, we’ve got Jack shooting down a helicopter with a hand gun, we’ve got the heavily medicated First Lady showing bigger onions than her husband ever dreamed of having, and we’ve got Audrey Raines becoming strangely more attractive by the minute! My head is spinning! Not to mention that even though the most beloved President in American history was assassinated today, the only thing the news channels are covering is the signing of a treaty! I don’t care if the President signed a treaty with Tom Cruise making Scientology the national religion, it wouldn’t get a mention in the face of Palmer’s assassination. It’s the little things like this that drive me crazy.

“The Bachelor: Paris”

Nothing gets the blood flowing like the words “Bachelor Reunion Show.” That’s right, one week before we get to find out who Travis has decided to date for the next month, we got one look back as the women all came together to treat each other like only women can. By that, of course, I mean, to talk trash and do their best to make each other cry. Good times for the whole family. Here are some of the highlights:

The night started with the smoking hot Susan sitting in the “hot seat” and proceeding to convince the world she wasn’t acting, and she was “wearing her heart on her sleeve” and falling in love with Travis. As she started to cry, you could just see the other women just chomping at the bit to tear her to pieces. I will never wonder again what it looks like when vulchers circle around a dead carcass. Here are some of the highlights of Susan’s time in the chair:

1) Susan kept a picture of her ex-fiancé’ in the mansion in Paris and talked openly about possibly getting back together with him. Hmmmmmm!

2) Jenny delivered the line of the night when she looked at one of the girls that got bounced the first night that was trying to defend Susan and told her to shut up because “I don’t even know your name.” Very classy.

Sarah from Canada, the scorching hot student from Winnipeg that still lives at home was number two in the hot seat. Here are the highlights:

1)We saw that Sara likes to squeeze her boobs together and talk to them. Some people said this was a sign of immaturity, but I think I’m cool with it. Yea, I’m cool with it.

2) Sara was the drunk of the mansion. Again, I think I’m cool with that. Honestly, these women act like these are bad things, but I don’t really see their points. Then again, this may be yet another reason why I’m single. Maybe?

3) Ultimately, Sara actually handled herself beautifully in the hot seat and came across as far more mature than I would have ever imagined. In fact, she was very impressive. I only hope Hef was watching.

Kristen was next. Not much to say here. We got a three minute recap of all her cheesy moments, including the orange peels in her teeth, and her terrible jokes. Amusing, but I could have done without it.

Katie bar the door….here comes Ali G, the reproductive girl. Her meltdown on the first night was transcendent television. Ali wisely declined the invitation to attend tonight’s show, but we did get to see a replay of her meltdown. Let’s just say that it is getting “save until delete” status on the DVR. The highlight of this segment was by far Sara’s little story that culminated with her saying “I mean, I can complain that my feet hurt bitch!” Let’s just say that after this show, I’m thinking Travis screwed up by cutting her. She’s a champ.

Next came the Bachelor himself to field some questions. Highlights as follows:

1) Travis said that he wanted to defend Susan, and he went on a long diatribe about how Susan was an exceptional woman. At the conclusion of this diatribe, Hans looked over at me with a blank look on his face and said matter of factly, “He f**ked her!” I think that just about covers that.

2) Travis was given a chance to sound off about the certifiably insane Ali G, but he politely declined and said she should just be allowed to move on. BOOOOOOOOO! Yea, it may have been the classy thing to do, but it was typically boring from our boy Travis. You know, maybe he and the intolerably boring Sara from Tennessee are perfect for each other.

Finally, we come to the point in the show where all the girls got to talk trash on Moana. Let’s just say they’ve been looking forward to this for a while. I’m not really sure what each of them said, but here’s what I remember:

1) Jehan – I hate her because Travis liked her better.

2) Tara - I hate her because Travis liked her better.

Then, shockingly, Sara from Canada, Susan, and Jenny turned the tide by actually
sticking up for Moana. Then, Susan went as far as to do something no woman in the history of mankind has ever done: Susan admitted that she was spiteful toward Moana because she was jealous. I was speechless. A truly watershed moment brought to you from the good folks at ABC.

Well, I just don’t have anything else to say except that I am going to be devastated if Travis doesn’t pick Moana. (Did I just used my out loud voice?)

Okay, after writing a combined 6,000 words about “The Bachelor” over the last five weeks, my Man Card could potentially be revoked at any moment. Therefore, I’m going to shut up and call it a day. Remember, I don’t really like this show. I just write this every week for my female readers. You believe me don’t you?

Monday, February 20, 2006 

Monday Musings

I'm coming to you very late this morning, so I will just cut to the chase and give you a few musings:


  • NBA All Star Saturday didn't disappoint. Chuck, Kenny, E.J., and Reggie Miller were on their game, Shaq's suit and top hat was transcendent, and the dunk contest provided some absolute jaw dropping moments. (About the dunk contest: it was painful at times to watch little Nate miss dunk after dunk before finally putting down. However, when you penalize dunkers for missed dunks, you deter creativity. There has to a middle ground, but I don't know what it is.)

  • Iggy's dunk from behind the backboard was the best dunk I've ever seen. Period. Mind boggling.

  • After slurping the winter Olympics last Monday, I have watched zero coverage. Hypocritical? yes. A sign that the Winter Olympics have lost their luster? Probably. A credit to the quality of regular programming on all the other networks? Definitely.

  • For me, Jimmy Johnson winning the Daytona 500 was a big disappointment. I used to be a pretty big NASCAR fan, but when I moved to New York it kind of fell off my radar, and the next thing I knew, I had no idea who half the drivers were! At the risk of sounding like Tony Kornheiser, the only thing that will bring me back to NASCAR is star power. As far as I'm concerned, NASCAR has three superstars and compelling figures: Jeff Gordon, Earnhardt, Jr., and Tony Stewart. I need those three guys to be battling each other for the biggest race and the Nextel Cup. Guys like Jimmy Johnson, Carl Edwards, and Ryan Newman just don't move the needle as far as I'm concerned.

  • Another tough loss for the Jackets on Saturday at Maryland. I'm really concerned at the way the game ended. When you take possession down 3 points with 22 seconds left, you would hope that you could find a way to get off better than a desperation heave, but no such luck on Saturday. It should be pointed out that Maryland's end of game management was deplorable as well. Just a terrible finish all around. Unfortunately, it's sort of indicative of the quality of play in the ACC this year. Bad times.

  • J.J. Redick had 30 again, and he broke Johnny Dawkins' Duke scoring record. Congratulations...I guess. No, seriously, it's a great accomplishment for a kid that has worked tremendously hard to improve every step along the way of his college career. Redick came in as nothing but a shooter, and he is going to leave Duke as a fantastic all around player. Like him or not, you have to respect everything the kid has done. Well, except for the poetry.

  • Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm pleased to announce that "Grey's Anatomy" has found its fastball once again. Last night's episode was tremendous. Big ups to Dr. George O'Malley. It's going to hurt really bad in the long run George, but I have no doubt that its going to be worth it. Good times.

  • Finally, I'd like to officially induct Doug Stewart, brother of Ryan Stewart and co-host of the "Two Live Stews" into the Billy Carter/Roger Clinton/Donnie Wahlbergh/Kevin Dillon Hall of Fame. Those of you here in Atlanta know exactly what I'm talking about.

Friday, February 17, 2006 

Top 7 - All Star Style

In case you didn’t notice yesterday, I’m pretty excited about All Star Weekend. At the end of the day, the NBA All Star game is the only All Star game that I actually look forward to. Granted, the older I get, I mainly love the fact that we get a weekend full of hilarious sound bites from Charles and Kenny, but the reasons aren’t important. What is important is that the NBA is Fantastic & I Love This Game. Could I get some promotional royalties from Czar Stern? To celebrate the big weekend, I’m throwing another Top 7 list your way. Here’s my Top 7 favorite All Star Game Moments:

7) 1985 (West 140 over East 129)
This game was filled with some of the all time greats: Magic, Kareem, Hakeem, Sampson, and Gervin for the West. Dr. J, Isiah, Moses Malone, The Chief, The Legend, Bernard King (my favorite Knick of my childhood), and M.J. for the East. (You may notice, that I never refer to M.J. by his full name. The reason is because I’m not worthy, and neither are you). The reason I love this game so much is because it’s the game where Isiah led the infamous “freeze-out” of M.J. I, of course, hate Isiah with a dangerous passion, and much of it stems from this game. What I love, however, is that Zeke had no idea what he was doing this day. I mean, do you think when the little twerp was laughing after the game about “freezing out” the rookie he could have imagined that this single act would lead M.J. to making it his sole mission in life to destroy him? You think Zeke wished he could have taken it all back when he was watching the Dream Team from home back in ’92? What an asshole!

6) 1988 (East 138 over West 135)
M.J. defies gravity on Saturday to beat ‘Nique in the Dunk Contest* then he goes for 40 on Sunday to win the M.V.P. in Chicago Stadium. Does it get any better than that? Actually, it does. Hawks coach Mike Fratello was the East’s coach. Good times all around for young Michael Dunn.

*It must always be noted that ‘Nique got ROBBED in this Dunk Contest. 18 years later, I’m still bitter. Let’s move on.

5) 2001 (East 111 over West 110)
The game was in Iverson’s hometown of D.C., and he absolutely killed himself in the fourth quarter of this game. The intensity of both teams down the stretch was unbelievable. Guys were diving on the floor, crashing the boards, and playing championship level D in the fourth quarter. Stephon Marbury hit two huge threes in the last 2 minutes, and the East overcame a 21 point fourth quarter deficit. This was the kind of game you were rooting for overtime because you didn’t want it to end. Just more proof that for guys like Steph and A.I., every time you roll the ball out means something. I’ve always found it amazing that these two guys are constantly labeled “selfish”, but nobody cares more about winning than these guys. It may not always come across like you think it should, but the NBA needs more guys like Steph and A.I.

4) 1998 (East 135 over West 114)
M.J.’s first farewell to the All-Star game and he had 23 points and the M.V.P. Award in Madison Square Garden. That alone would have been enough to make this a legendary game, but when you factor in that Kobe Bryant, in his All-Star debut, had the audacity to wave off Karl Malone in the post and command him to set a pick, this game was through the roof. It makes me sick that I didn’t realize at that moment that Kobe was a first rate prick! I’m usually such a good judge of character, but I really blew this one. I hate myself.

3) 1992 (West 153 over East 113)
Magic comes out of retirement, scores 25, and wins the M.V.P. At the time, I remember I was so excited that I didn’t even realize that nobody would get within 10 feet of Magic. I have this game on tape, and I will be happy to show it to you if you ever need a good laugh. Seriously, the nervous smiles on all the other players’ faces are priceless. It would be wise for me to just move on.


2) 2002 (West 135 over East 120)
By this time, we all knew Kobe was a prick. Well, he scored 31 and won the M.V.P. in his hometown of Philly and then it happened….the Philly fans booed him 10 times worse than Clemens has ever been booed at Fenway. Just a classic and unforgettable moment. I remember feeling pure excitement. Does this make me sick? A bad person? Or maybe a little of both? Anyway, Kobe couldn’t have possibly had a more horrified look on his face when the bailiff said “Will the Defendant please rise?”


1) 2003 (West 155 over East 145 2(OT))
This game will always be remembered for the glazed look on all the players’ faces after spending the entire weekend bouncing back and forth between Vision and The Cheetah. Just a legendary All-Star Game. There is a reason that 99.8% of all professional athletes live in Atlanta, and it was all on display for one weekend in 2003. Charles Barkley actually had to take Sunday night off because he lost his voice smoking cigars and sipping cognac at The Havana Club in Buckhead, and every Navigator limo on the eastern seaboard was cruising down Peachtree. There is absolutely no reason the NBA All Star Game isn’t played in Atlanta every year. If HBO camera crews had been following the players around this weekend, it would have made for the greatest reality t.v. show in history. While we’re on the topic, how has “The Real World” never come to Atlanta? How does the thought of putting 7 young, attractive, certifiably insane people with a limitless supply of booze and funds in a city famous for its clubs, strip joints, and incredibly high murder rate not seem like a good idea? This deserves it’s own column. I’m beyond rambling at this point.

Oh, by the way, the game went to double overtime, M.J. hit a fade away over The Matrix to send the game to the second O.T., the Wizards went on to win 22 straight in the second half on their way to the NBA Title, and M.J. rode back off into the sunset. Okay, the stuff about the Wizards isn’t true, but I prefer to remember things my way.


With any luck, this year’s game will produce some great memories. After all, I hear the nightlife ain’t bad in Houston.

Thursday, February 16, 2006 

Caption Contest


The Thursday Afternoon Tradition continues. Have fun:

 

More Odds

I used to love the NBA Slam Dunk Contest. Of course, I used to love Saturday Night Live. The point? Just because something was once great doesn’t mean that it will always be great. I mean, the days of Jordan and ‘Nique squaring off in the Slam Dunk contest was the equivalent of the Sandler, Farley, Spade era of SNL. Unfortunately, the Horatio Sanz and Chris Parnell era coincides with the Josh Smith and Hakim Warrick era of Dunk Contests. Not good times. That being said, the Slam Dunk Contest is going to happen, so we might as well use it as a gambling opportunity. Drum roll please….here are The WAD’s odds on this year’s dunk contest:

Hakim Warrick (20:1)
Yes, he can leap like few others. Yes, he’s explosive and powerful. Yes, he’s owned by .3% of ESPN.com fantasy owners. But, most importantly, he’s 6’9” and skinny as a rail. No way a 6’9” guy wins the dunk contest unless he brings the thunder ala ‘Nique. Things just look too easy for tall skinny guys. Unless he does a backflip into a 360, nothing he can do will be impressive compared to the competition. But hey, on the bright side, at least he gets to enjoy All Star Weekend once in his career.

Andre Iguodala (12:1)
First of all, we are going to call him Iggy for now on. Iggy is a freak, and he happens to be 6’6” and 205 lbs. Hmmm, who else used to sport those same measurements? I think you know who I’m talking about, but I would dare say his name in the same paragraph as Iggy. Just wouldn’t be right. I digress. Here’s the deal with Iggy…some people are great game dunkers and some guys are great contest dunkers. I know Iggy can do some freaky stuff in the game, but I’ve got a sneaky suspicion that he is going to nuts on Saturday night. Don’t you just know that Iggy has been watching the snowboarders in Torino and thinking crazy stuff like “man, I could pull off a 720!” I’m just seeing a few spectacular misses in Iggy’s future. Not going to get it done.


Josh Smith (7:1)
Now, here’s a 6’9” guy that can bring the thunder. His performance in winning the crown last year was so impressive that people here in Atlanta were actually making comments like “J Smooth is the next Dominique” and “J Smooth is the future of the Hawks!” Just another example of the genius of Atlanta sports fans. Then again, we are so desperate for a reason to go to a Hawks game, who can blame us for latching on to a sliver of hope even if he averages 8 points a game and has less understanding of the game than your average Laker Girl? That being said, Smith would be the favorite if it weren’t for the pressure of being the defending champ and feeling the need to bring the house down with every dunk. Just lends itself to mistakes.

Nate Robinson (3:1)
Two years ago Nate Robinson had a follow up dunk at N.C. State that left me speechless. Yes, that’s right, for a temporary moment in time I had absolutely nothing to say. I know it’s hard to believe, but Colby witnessed the whole thing. In fact, he was speechless that I was speechless. The whole thing was very bizarre. Sorry, I’m rambling, but I think you get the point. When it comes down to it, the reason why Nate is the favorite is simple: the mere act of a 5’9” guy dunking is remarkable. He doesn’t have to do anything special. But here’s the thing…Nate can do something special. He’s a freak of nature. Having Nate involved almost makes me excited about this year’s competition…almost.

If all this talk of the Dunk Contest leaves you longing for the days of the past, the days of M.J. and ‘Nique, and even V.C., you should check out the link below for a stroll down memory lane:


http://probasketball.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?zi=1/XJ&sdn=probasketball&zu=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.slamdunk.ru%2Fvideo%2Fnbacom%2Fhistoric%2Fslamdunk.html

I love all the Vince clips, but my favorite non-M.J./’Nique dunk is definitely Brent Barry’s 1996 Dr. J impersonation capping the greatest upset in Dunk Contest History. I think the tall, skinny, white dude paid 200:1.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006 

Here Comes The Madness

After another long day at the office, I got home last night to discover a full fledged crisis…our DVR is screwed up. I don’t even know where to begin, but let’s just say that I missed “House” and “Boston Public.” Let’s just say that the frustration meter exploded. It’s a good thing I’m a calm, patient, rational man that deals well with disappointment. Okay, that’s a lie. Truth is that I’m lucky the guy didn’t call in a domestic dispute to the cops last night. Just envision me as Ike and the big screen as Tina. Just like Ike, however, I did go back and tell that beautiful big screen how sorry I was and how much I loved her. If it’s not working tomorrow night, however, furniture might start flying around 1893 Wycliff.

Anyway, thank God for SportsCenter or the entire night would have been a waste. I mean, who can’t get enough J.J. Redick highlights?...I’m sorry, I just convulsed. Well, on the bright side, J.J.’s highlights gave me inspiration for today’s article. With just a few weeks left in the college basketball season, it’s time to start thinking about the tourney. You know what that means…seeding and bursting bubbles. So, without further adieu, here’s what is going to be my weekly projections of the 1 through 3 seeds and who is going to be on the outside looking in.

The #3’s

Iowa – Big win over Michigan State tonight. They should get to 20 wins on Sunday against Minnesota, and they should finish the regular season with 22 wins. With a win or two in the Big Ten tourney, they will be in prime position to snatch one of the top 12 spots. The only variable is whether all the Alford to Indiana talk becomes a distraction.

UCLA – tough loss at Washington this past Saturday, but they already have 20 wins. With five more games against the atrocious Pac-10 schedule, and a chance to rack up a few wins in the Pac -10 tourney, the Bruins will be a 25+ win team come selection Sunday. And, they are UCLA.

Illinois – they got spanked Sunday at Ohio State, but much like UCLA, they are sport 20 wins. Even a split down the stretch gets them to 23 wins going into the Big Ten tourney. Couple that with the fact that they have a great point guard and they played for the Title last year, the Tribe from Champagne should get some love from the committee. If you don’t think the previous year’s tournament performance factors into seeding, just look at Georgia Tech’s #5 seed last year.

Gonzaga – I know, I know. You just can’t seed somebody from the WCC higher than #3. It just won’t happen.

The #2’s

Ohio State – They are 18-3 and rolling. Also, they have two games left against Northwestern. Dot the I baby, here come the buckeyes.

Pittsburgh – They are 19-3 right now, and will probably at worst be 23-4 going into the Big East tournament. They aren’t a whole lot of fun, but if you put up 23 wins in the best conference in the country, you get respect. If Pitt goes to the Final Four, just imagine all the fluff pieces on how great it is to be a Pittsburgh sports fan this year. I really might never watch sports again if this happens. I’m not even kidding.

Texas – They are 21-3, and will probably be 25-4 on Selection Sunday. If they run the table, however, they might steal a number 1. Think Rick Barnes regrets leaving Clemson all those years ago? Yea, me neither.

Memphis – 22-2 and destined to be 27-2 going into the C-USA tourney. Again, if these guys run the table, they will have a legit claim to a number 1.

The #1’s

George Washington – Are you really going to tell me that a 29-1 team doesn’t deserve a number 1? Having said that, circle February 25 on your calendar. That’s when GW pays a visit to the Bronx to face the surging Running Wittenberg’s of Fordham. Here’s a little something extra. Believe me when I tell you that Fordham not only has a chance to beat GW on the 25th, the Rams could win the A-10 tourney and make the Dance. You heard it here first. Granted, I’m biased because I’m actually a Fordham fan, and I love Coach Whit. But, the Rams have won 4 in a row, and Rose Hill Gym can get crazy. Man, this is the first time I’ve ever actually missed living in New York. I think I’ll move on.

Villanova – At 20-2 coming off a win over UConn, how can you not love the Cats? They, however, still have a lot of work to do with a match-up with the rejuvenated Hoyas looming and a road rematch against the Huskies 11 days away, things could change in a hurry for the Cats.

UConn - They probably have to beat Villanova at home, or win the Big East tournament to guarantee a #1 seed. I think Rudy Gay and the Huskies might just do both.

Duke – yea, whatever.


Bubble Teams

Here are some teams that better right the ship in a hurry:

Maryland – 15-9 and a loss tonight to Clemson tonight. Ouch. I love Gary Williams, but things don’t look so good for the Terps.

Indiana – 13-8 and spiraling out of control. Well, at least their coach is emotionally stable…or not. What a mess.

Kentucky – 15-9 and just painful to watch. How long can a team go without a semblance of offensive continuity before it catches up to them? Well, it looks like 7 years is the limit in Lexington.

Louisville – 16-8 with road dates at the Carrier Dome and Morgantown on the horizon. Oh, and they finish the season against UConn. Sorry, I can’t resist…"Pervis Ellison isn’t walking through that door, Francisco Garcia isn’t walking through that door, Denny Crum isn’t walking through that door!” That wasn’t easy…I LOVE Pitino. He’s one of the best basketball coaches on the planet, but his team is in trouble.

Syracuse – 17-7, but here is their remaining schedule: Cincinnati at home, Louisville at home, West Virginia at home, at Georgetown, at DePaul, Villanova at home. Good luck ‘Cuse. That’s brutal.

Wisconsin – 17-7, but did somebody say something about tough schedules. 4 of their remaining games are against Ohio State, Michigan State, and Iowa. Don’t forget either that they lost at home to North Dakota State. Not the kind of loss that helps you find your way off the bubble.

I could go on, but I won’t. Why so many big name bubble teams this year? Look no further than the Missouri Valley Conference. The league is going to definitely get 1 at large and could get as many as 3. Go ahead and read that sentence again. Wichita State and Northern Iowa are both going to get in, and Creighton and Southern Illinois both have a legit shot. Again, remember you heard it here first.

One thing should be imminently clear at this point…It’s the middle of February and nobody can afford to lose. You’ve got to love College Hoops.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006 

Television Tuesday

So, after I professed my undying love for the Winter Olympics yesterday, I managed to watch absolutely no Olympic coverage last night. It was either the Olympics or “24” and “The Bachelor.” What can I say? I man of commitment, and I couldn’t leave Jack Bauer or my bachelorettes hanging! I did, however, get a chance to take in the last few minutes of the UConn/Villanova game. Let’s just say that I’m going to spend my lunch break looking for a ‘Nova hat. I’m hooked. I love the way these guys play. Pure grit mixed with sweet shooting. Doesn’t get much better than that. Not to mention the fact that ‘Nova is the best pick and roll team I’ve seen since Stockton and Malone split up. Just a pure joy to watch. I thought these guys were tough when I saw them last March in Nashville, and they have just gotten better. Let there be no doubt, Villanova is a legit contender to make the Final Four and possibly win the whole thing. It’s definitely not a surprise to me considering the fact that I had a front row seat to Jay Wright’s pick and roll genius when Speedy Claxton led Wright’s Hofstra team past my Jackets back in college. I’ve been a fan of his since then, and in the words of gold medalist snowboarder Shaun White, “I’m stoked” to see him having so much success. (My buddy Matt Judy just threw up in his mouth. Long story, but suffice it to say that he doesn’t like Wright’s three piece suits as much as I do.)

Well, enough talk about sports, it’s Tuesday so let’s talk some television.

“24”
I’m really at a loss right now. I don’t know what to say other than the fact that I’m really scared. Jack Bauer disregarded a direct order tonight because he didn’t want to sacrifice the people in the mall. My world is turned upside down. Suddenly, Jack Bauer is a man of compassion and feeling. I get it…I guess! Here’s the thing. I don’t know how much more I can take of this “I want Jack Bauer taken into custody” crap. I mean, next week Jack is going to knock Curtis out and escape? Do I really need to deal with this? By now, shouldn’t it be clear to everyone that Jack’s decision making is beyond reproach. Regardless of the order, if Jack Bauer decides to take another route, doesn’t that automatically make it the right decision? To make it worse, I was really close to coming around on The Hobbit, or Rudy, or whoever the f**k he is, but now I have to dedicate a huge part of myself to hating him again. I just don’t know if I have the energy. I’m going to go ahead and add him to the Dr. Yang/Marissa Cooper death match and make it a full fledged Battle Royal. Actually, let’s go ahead and throw the entire cast of Sex And The City and Desperate Housewives (minus Eva), and Stuart Scott and make this thing really entertaining.

“The Bachelor: Paris”
Alright, we are down to two girls, and it’s a total toss up. The wildcard, and my personal favorite, Moana is still alive, and the sweet, wholesome,…um….intolerably boring, Sarah still has a pulse. Here’s what this whole thing comes down to:

Travis wants to pick Moana. You can tell the dude digs her. Why wouldn’t he? She’s sexy, exotic, intelligent (apparently speaks three languages), and she’s cool. With the exception of her near meltdown in the video tape before last week’s rose ceremony, she hasn’t done anything remotely damaging to herself. In short, she’s bringing a lot to the table. In all fairness, Sarah has also done a pretty good job looking normal. But, you just can’t help thinking she’s the total safety choice. In other words, Travis wants to pick Moana, but he’s keeping Sarah around just in case Moana drops a bomb and looks like a moron in front of his Mom. If she holds serve, however, Moana is going to pull off a big upset. This is going to be a nice pay day for those of you that got in on Moana at 20:1 two weeks ago. Not nearly as nice, however, as those of you who got Sarah at 40:1 when I first gave odds three weeks ago if she pulls this thing off. Those numbers in the two preceding sentences should be further proof to everyone that I am, of course, a moron.

So, for what it’s worth, my odds going into next week’s final episode are:

Moana – 1:2

Sarah – 1.5: 1

Looks like Sarah is the safe bet in more ways than one.

I’ll tell you what I would do if I was Travis. I would make my whole decision based on the “Sonny test.” Those of you that have seen “A Bronx Tale” know exactly what I’m talking about. Those of you who haven’t don’t deserve it, but I’m going to let you in on the “Sonny test”(my willingness to share doesn’t exonerate you from not having seen one of the best Italian American coming of age stories of all time!): When you pick a girl up for a date, make sure you lock your car door. After you open her door and let her in, if she reaches over and unlocks your door, she’s a keeper. If she doesn’t, you know right then that your first date should be your last date. I’m not even joking about this. I have done this on every date I’ve ever been on and it’s never failed. I, of course, am 28 years old and live on my buddy’s sun porch, so maybe it’s not such a good idea?

Finally, a few words for Susan, tonight’s big loser on “The Bachelor”: Call me. I don’t care if you just want to use me to get ahead in life. I’m cool with that. Just make sure you unlock the freaking door.

Monday, February 13, 2006 

Monday Musings

My apologies for the late start this morning. I ran some errands with the roommate this morning, and I'm just getting in the office. Let me tell you how much I love seeing a pile of crap waiting for me in my in box and on my desk on Monday mornings. Just makes that whole $150K investment in law school seem worthwile. I'm going to delay ripping my toe nails off until after I finish the musings. With that, here we go:

  • I can't deny it....I love the Winter Olympics. Every four years, the same thing happens. I moan and whine about how I don't give a crap about any of these sports or athletes, and then I become fixated on the Games. Well, it happened again last night with the short track speed skating, the Downhill, and the stoners on snowboards. I mean, I've never been on a pair of ice skates, skis, or a board in my life. EVER. And I have no desire to do any of this stuff, but it's awesome to watch for two weeks ever four years. I'm rambling, but I think you get the point.

  • What could possibly happen in the Pro Bowl to make me care? Peyton Manning throwing three picks...that's what. I don't care if a it's a Thanksgiving Day two hand touch game with the Kennedy's, if Peyton throws three picks, you can bet I'm beaming from ear to ear.

  • Big win for Tech yesterday. Only 8 more in a row and we could get in tourney contention. What? There are only five games left? It's amazing how fast the season goes by when you are horrible. Seriously, even in defeat the Jackets managed to put on a clinic in late game ineptitude. I hate to say it, but the final exchange of possessions between the two squads yesterday said about all you need to know about the Jackets and Pack. Yes, it looks like N.C. State will be dancing in March, but I'm already getting excited about them being one of my 7's losing to a 10. If they can somehow manage to win a few down the stretch, maybe the Pack could get as high as a 5. Has there ever been a 12 that would be a bigger mortal lock than whoever gets lucky enough to face these guys?

  • Believe it or not, Dr. Christina Yang topped anything she has ever done last night on Grey's Anatomy, and cemented her position as the most reprehensible character on T.V. I mean, why would she EVER tell Dr. Shephard that Grey was the chick with her hand on the bomb? Simply inexplicable. I've gotten to the point where I hate her so bad that it's becoming hard for me to whatch the show. Hans correctly pointed out that I could write an entire article about this one topic, but I'm going to refrain only because I actually have to do some real work today. Let's just say that I'm willing to put up the costs to facilitate a fight to the death, no holds barred, cage match between Dr. Yang and Marissa Cooper. Somebody has to die.

  • I'm excited about the NBA All-Star game this weekend and you should be too because we are going to get a weekend full of Chuck, Kenny, and Ernie Jr. on TNT. Doesn't get any better than that.

  • Finally, big props go out the Hawks. Way to build off the momentum of the Pistons win by going out to L.A. and Sac Town and getting thumped. Good job guys. Just when I think we are getting somewhere, you shut it down. I feel like I'm back in college again. I'll stop before I say anyting offensive.

Friday, February 10, 2006 

Fite's Friday Entertainment Stories

You can always count on Fite in a pinch. Well, unless he would have to get off his ass to help you out. But, fortunately for us, putting together a column for today didn't require such physical exertion. At any rate, here is some pretty funny stuff from Fite:


It’s going to be a boring day at work, so I need comments on the WAD to keep things interesting. Without further ado, here are Fite’s Friday entertainment stories:

As we all know, once a movie does well then tons more follow the same formula. So I guess we shouldn’t be surprised that there are Brokeback clones in progress. One is called The Dreyfus Affair, which is a story about a married all-star shortstop who falls in love with his team’s second baseman during a pennant race. Apparently this movie has been in consideration for quite some time, there was interest from Ben Affleck and Don Cheadle, but Affleck made Pearl Harbor instead.

http://www.darkhorizons.com/news06/060210g.php


I don’t think I’ll see The Dreyfus Affair, but I’m definitely in line for “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.” Adam Sandler and Kevin James are in negotiations to play straight firemen who pretend to be gay to get domestic partner benefits. The people from Wedding Crashers are involved, so it promises to be a good one.

http://www.darkhorizons.com/news06/060209e.php


If you somehow missed the link I posted a few days ago, the new Jack Black movie looks pretty good. He is a Mexican priest that moonlights as a professional wrestler. The pictures are worth a look.

http://www.nacholibre.com/site/index.html



And finally, I found a new picture for ugajules. Feel free to add captions at will.


http://www.pepsisamba.com.au/hoff.html

The above link is just a sample from the site.

 

Weekend Preview

Well, I promised a weekend preview, but I lied. I've decided to polish off my week of letting other people do the work by not doing any work at all. Well, with the exception of the job I get paid to do. I promise next week will be a normal week on the WAD, and I'll be back to the old schedule of posting every day. In the meantime, I wanted to suggest that everybody take the time to read Chris Smith's article on Randy Foye of Villanova in the latest edition of ESPN The Magazine. I saw Foye play in Nashville in last year's tourney, and I instantly became a huge fan. This guy is one of the better guards I've seen in person at the college level. He's dangerous on the offensive end, and he plays smothering D. Little did I know, however, when I was falling in love with his game, that Randy Foye might be a ten times better person than he is a basketball player. Just a great article that you have to read. I must warn you, however, to read it alone because it might get "dusty" wherever you are. (By the way, if you don't subscribe to ESPN The Magazine or "The Magazine" as the cool kids call it, you are making a huge mistake. Chalked full of entertaining and informative writing. Good times.)

Alright, have a good weekend and se you on Monday. As always, email me if you have some good ideas for columns, or if you want to take a shot at guest writing one day. I'm more than happy to open up the floor.

Thursday, February 09, 2006 

Caption Contest

First things first. With all the talk about the horrible officiating in the Super Bowl, one play has been completely omitted from the conversation. That is, until Michael Wilbon FINALLY gave it its due on yesterday's PTI. The play I'm referring to is Darrell Jackson's touchdown catch at the end of the first half. Well, at least it should have been a touchdown. By rule, when one foot is down in bounds, and the other foot hits the pylon before going out of bounds, it's a good catch. In other words, hitting the pylon is the equivalent of touching your foot down in bounds. Why do I bring this up. Well, that's simple. Because I thought I was the only person in America that noticed this until I heard Wilbon going off about it last night. I mean, not even the great Al Michaels or John Madden mentioned it. A complete airball on their part. Just put this down as reason #498 why I'm steamed that the Steelers actually won the freaking Super Bowl. Speaking of Michaels, I was sad to hear he will no longer be doing Monday Night Football, but I was so excited to hear that Kornheiser is going to be in the booth that I nearly started dancing. Kornheiser is one of the greatest sportswriters, satirist, and commentators of our day. It will be odd at first, but I guarantee you that you will fall in love with him. Okay, enough from me...on to the caption contest.

For this weeks contest I considered doing a side by side of Shelden Williams and the Hammerhead Shark from "Finding Nemo", but I figured we'd already talked too much about Duke this week, and frankly, I was scared at what the comments would be. So, I started thinking about people making news, and I realized that the most remarkable thing about Sunday's dreadful Super Bowl was the performance of the Rolling Stones at halftime. Now, I'm not really a Stones fan, and I couldn't believe they were the act chosen to perform in Motown, but I couldn't help but be amazed by these guys. I'm not saying this in a good way, or a bad way, in fact, I don't know what I'm saying. But these guys guys were born before the end of WWII so it warrants saying something. I just don't know what! I'll leave that to you:

Wednesday, February 08, 2006 

20 Questions (Duke/Carolina)

Last night, of course, Duke and Carolina engaged in another classic battle on Tobacco Road. No matter what the records and expectations, these two somehow manage not to disappoint. However, after last night and the FSU game, is anybody else thinking that it might not be a bad idea to let JJ Reddick handle the ball in the last minute of the game? I'm not saying he doesn't have onions...he hits big shot after big shot, but he looks more uncomfortable dribbling the ball in the final minutes than a southern baptist in a Catholic mass. (That's pretty damn uncomfortable in case you weren't sure!).

Okay, enough of that. In the continued spirit of letting other people do my work, we have a new segment today. Since yesterday featured Duke v. Carolina, and one of the most popular questions I often hear is "how could anybody be a Duke fan?", I decided to go get some answers. Luckily for me, one of my best friends from back home is a Duke grad and has been a Duke fan as long as I can remember. Yesterday, I emailed 20 questions to him seeking the elusive answers. Oh yea, he always corrects me on this...he's not actually officially a Doctor yet, but I've always wanted to a have a friend I could call "Doc" so I'm not waiting, so here are 20 Questions with Duke Fan Doc Poole:


1) How long have you been a Duke fan?
At least 15 years.

2) Why were you a Duke fan as a kid?
When I was in 6th grade I was a huge Georgia Tech fan. Then the next year was Christian Laettner’s sophomore year at Duke and I really starting idolizing him. When basketball season started I was a freaky 6’ 4", 160 pound 7th grader and I was positive I was going to be the next Christian Laettner. Then Duke got destroyed by UNLV in the national final and I completely jumped ship. I remember that I cut my granddad’s lawn to get the money for a UNLV t-shirt and hat. 2 acres with a push mower, but it was worth it. Then, the summer after 7th grade I went to nerd camp at Duke and walked right past Christian Laettner and Bobby Hurley. They were coming out of the library with two of the hottest girls I had ever seen. At that moment I instantly went back to loving Duke. I was there with them through the 1990-91 season and then through the amazing repeat run the following year. Needless to say, I didn’t go on to become the next Christian Laettner. Because God is a Duke fan and didn’t much appreciate my lapse in allegiance, I only grew one more inch after 7th grade. I went on to become the shortest center in Georgia’s Region 8AAAA where I lead the Newton Rams in personal fouls for three consecutive seasons.

3) Who is your favorite Duke team of all time?
Easy. Because of "THE SHOT" and the back-to-back National Championships, that 1992 team will always hold a special place in my heart. Christian Laettner, Bobby Hurley, Grant Hill, Thomas Hill, Antonio Lang, Brian Davis… Man, I’m getting a little choked up just thinking about it. Next question. (Dunn commentary: Thomas Hill crying on the sideline was one of the most horrifying moments in tournament history. Those weren't tears of joy. Those were "oh my god, somebody shot my baby" tears. Amazing game, great play, horrifying tears)

4) favorite all time player?
Christian Laettner (see #s 2 and 3)

(favorite all time Duke name: Dick Groat)

5) what year's did you attend Duke?

1995-99

6) Best memory of those years?

That time that you and your frat buddies came up to the Tech-Duke game and that Trey dude got in a fight with my roommate because the pillow he let Trey borrow wasn’t soft enough. Oh, wait, you didn’t say most f**king unbelievable memory, did you? (Dunn here: for the record, at this point in my life, I had NO idea what a lunatic Trey was. Just a completely humiliating situation for me. Thanks for bringing it up Doc. I appreciate that.)

Best memory: Burning down West Campus after the big win over Carolina my junior year. Lots of cops in riot gear and pepper spray. In reality we just burned a bunch of benches and generally raised hell. As you and Bill Simmons would say: Good times.

7) Greatest game you've ever seen at Cameron?

This may seem like a weak call, but I’m gonna say last weekend’s overtime game vs. FSU. I was able to score some incredible seats for face value. Took the wife to her first Duke game. A-Rod was there decked out in Duke apparel. Was the game itself great? Yeah, actually it was. We were outmanned, outhustled and it came down to which team wanted it more at the end. That, and a couple of calls that went our way really helped. Then after the game, I took the wife to the Angus Barn in Raleigh and our waiter was a Carolina graduate. Great times. (Dunn here: yes, this was a good game, but I would never in a million years thought this would be your answer. Shocking. As for the Carolina grad waiter, it reminds me of when I went to buy my new cell phone and the sales guy was a UGA grad. Just a great feeling when you see that. On the bright side, if he works real hard they might make him manager one day. That my friend is GOOD TIMES.)

8) Favorite Duke/Carolina memory?

Gotta be the shot by Capel to send the game to a second overtime in 1995. I know we ended up losing but I was a senior year in high school and was so psyched to be a Cameron Crazy at the time. And we had no business being anywhere close in that game. We had Cherokee Parks and Greg Newton. They had Rasheed Wallace and Jerry Stackhouse.

9) Worst Duke/Carolina memory?

After they beat us in Cameron my freshman year (1996). I had lived in a tent for 10 straight weeks sacrificing sleep, test scores, and personal hygiene just so I could be there to yell "Go to hell Carolina, Go to hell!" and witness the sweet W in person. That loss was probably the low point of my entire Duke Career. Years later I would be asked to explain my grades from that semester during multiple med school interviews.

10) What do you think it says about a man if he decides to go to Carolina?

Either he’s not Duke material, he has incredible small testicles, or his name is Tyler Hansborough. Or, as we saw last night, it could be all three of these.

11) If your son, JJ, came home and told you he wanted to go to Carolina, what would you say?

I would be devastated… comparable to learning he was hooked on drugs or wanted to audition for musical theater.

12) Would you rather your son be gay or go to Carolina?

It’s a push (see #11).

13) Did you really name your son after JJ Reddick?

No, but my wife is afraid he may think that one day. Of course, he’s named after me. He’s Joseph Junior and we’re calling him J.J. If it becomes too much of an issue, I have a backup plan to just call him ‘Deuce’.
BTW I had originally liked the name ‘Cameron’ but then my wife found out that Coach K has a lab named Cameron and she nixed it. (Dunn here: Deuce? Really? Let's pray to God the JJ thing doesn't become an issue.)

14) In a few sentences, sum up for everybody what it means to beat Carolina.

Okay, here’s a metaphor. Duke is a cool, handsome stud. Carolina is an uncool, bucktoothed introvert. Winning the game is getting to score with the hottest, most sophisticated, most desirable chick in town. When the stud gets the girl, he feels good about himself because he obviously got the girl. But because he’s supposed to get her, because it’s normal and expected, he feels doubly good, because now he knows that all is right with the order of the universe.

15) I know you are married, but we are being strictly hypothetical here: A win over Carolina or a night with Angelina Jolie?

Let’s not lose our minds here. I love Duke and I hate Carolina. It feels good to me when Duke beats Carolina…. But I’m only going to be talking about last night’s win over Carolina for a couple of days.

16) Brooke Burke?

Angelina twice. (Clearly you didn't see the Burger King ads during the Super Bowl)

17) What are your thoughts on Dickie V's man crush for Coach K? Is it more than a simple man crush?

Look, Dickie V just loves Duke. Do you know that while I was a student there every time he came to Cameron he would crowd surf from the upperdeck through the student section and down to the court? One time, me and my buddy DePas who was this hard-nosed kid from Long Island were in the direct path when Dickie V was coming. DePas said "Hey, you dare me to steal his wallet?" I said "Yeah right, like you’d really do it." Dickie V crowd surfs over our heads and it’s completely chaotic. Next thing I know Dickie V’s on the court patting his back pocket looking for his wallet. Unbelievable.
I know that doesn’t really answer your question, but it was just such a memorable thing that when I think Coach K/Duke and Dickie V that’s the first thing that comes to my mind. (Dunn here: that really is a heartwarming story, but it doesn't change the fact that Dick Vitale wants to cuddle with your Coach. I'm not saying that is a bad thing, it's just the way things are.)

Just three more…

18) Is there more to the Chris Collins/Wojo relationship that meets the eye?
Coach K once referred to Wojo as the son he never had. Chris Collins was like a foster child Coach K never wanted. I’m sure Doug Collins called up Coach K back in the spring of ’92 and said "Hey Mike, this boy of mine… he’s got a decent shot and he can dribble, but he’s a completely spoiled brat. It’s all his mother’s fault. Anyway, do you mind seeing what you can do with him? Thanks Mike, I owe you one, man." What, you wanted me to say they’re gay for each other? (Insert the WAD/Coach Cremins reference here) (Dunn here: Dick!)

19) Do you think Coach K spanks his assistant coaches?
What’s up with the homosexual innuendos? With the exception of Chris Burgess who transferred to Utah after his sophomore year, Kobe Bryant who verbally committed to Duke and then went pro, and Shaun Livingston who signed a letter of intent to Duke and then went pro, I don’t know of any homos associated with the program. (Dunn here: I have a much longer list, but I get your point.)

20) Again, we are being strictly hypothetical here….If Coach K came to you and said he was thinking about leaving Duke, how far would you go to keep him there?

Would I go down on the man I respect like I do my own father? Dunn, you’re one sick puppy. But yes, under the circumstances I would. But only because I want him to be at Duke until he passes Dean Smith’s win total. Also, it is important that he be there for the Duke Fantasy Camp that I’ll be eligible for in 2011 and for my son’s first Duke Summer camp which will be at around the same time. (Wow! Hold the phone one minute. Who said any thing about going down on anybody? I was asking about alumni contributions and letter writing campaigns. Wow!....Okay, the original question had a little more to it than you see above. Editing can make things so much funnier)

Tuesday, February 07, 2006 

Television Tuesday

First off today, I want to send a big shout out to Fite for stepping up and giving us a strong Super Bowl recap yesterday. I think we’ve definitely established that the game was atrocious, but Fite’s recap saved the day. I’m sure his boss, the Attorney General of the great state of Texas, would be very proud. For all of you that sent me emails yesterday asking me to do a Wally Pipp impersonation and give way to Fite, well…just remember that I know you all very well, and I have stories. Lots of stories.

Alright, Fite has been sufficiently slurped so let’s move on to the business of the day, 1500 words on two of America’s favorite t.v. shows:

“24”

After last night’s episode, a few things need to be addressed:

1) We had our first mention of Kim Bauer last night. You know what that means don’t you? That’s right, the return of Elisha Cuthbert is imminent. I just hope we are going to get it sooner rather than later. I can’t take much more teasing. In fact, it's almost become distracting. Every new scene I'm holding my breath just waiting for her to appear. I'm starting to sound creepy aren't I?

2) Could anybody else in the history of television utter a line like “you don’t want to go down that road with me” and cause you to tense up on your couch. I mean, when Jack Bauer issues a threat you better watch your ass wherever you are.

3) Don’t you just hate it when your junkie sister sets you up to get mugged so she can buy smack? I know I do. Nothing makes me angrier.

4) The sexual tension between Chloe and Edgar is riveting. (Yes, I did throw up in my mouth when I typed this, and I should have spared you all the pain, but I’m just not that kind of guy.)

5) As Hans pointed out, is anybody else amazed that the 15 year old Russian slave/prostitute is more fluent in English than most American high school students? Is it possible they have better public education in Novgorod than Covington? Don’t answer that!

6) Is Jack losing his edge? First, he came dangerously close to showing compassion to the little 15 year old Russian. Then, he let her point a gun at him with no consequences. The Jack Bauer I know and love shows compassion to NOBODY, and he certainly doesn’t let anybody point a gun at him and get away with it. This was actually startling. It kind of reminded me of the time when Iverson crossed over on Jordan back in ’98. I mean, you still knew Jordan was the greatest, but you did raise an eyebrow. I don’t want to think about this any more.

7) Would it have been so hard for Walt Cummings to hang the First Lady next to him? I know I've already complained about this a few weeks ago, but it's worth venting again. Why must the writers of “24” torture us with one incredibly worthless plot line consisting of one incredibly worthless character every season? If they must do this, couldn’t they at least give us a Presidential sex scandal? I don’t know, maybe something like an obese intern performing sex acts on the President in the Oval Office? You’re right. Nobody would ever believe that a President could be that stupid. Not even Logan!

8) How is Rudy going to explain that bloody lip?

“The Bachelor: Paris”

So, the Super Bowl was a catastrophic wagering experience (except for the coin flip…tails never fails baby), but you can’t be deterred. The hometown dates have left us with three lovely ladies, and who better than yours truly to set the odds on the winner. Again, don’t answer that! I may not be what you would call “successful” with relationships, Let’s just say that the whoever ends up being Mrs. WAD one day will have to be a uniquely qualified woman. By uniquely qualified I mean patient, deaf, and blind. Anybody have Helen Keller’s phone number? At any rate, my vast history of mostly comical dating experiences makes me uniquely qualified to dissect these fictional relationships. So, here are the odds:

Susan (5:1) – This is more than surprising. Last week, I called her a mortal lock to win this thing, but she took some nearly mortal blows this week. Seriously, if a woman’s mother doesn’t like her, what does that tell you about her? This hometown date was an absolute disaster. You couldn’t have drawn it up any worse. Her dad seemed about as personable as a Monk. Her Mom hates her, and there is no way Travis left Durham without fearing that she’s in it for all the wrong reasons. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not suggesting that this guy is actually looking for his “soul mate” or anything like that. He seems too smart for that. But, he is a man, and the last thing he wants is to be used as some chick's vehicle to stardom. In other words, no self respecting man would ever let himself get played on national television. This, of course, is assuming a lot about a dude who wears a do rag. I’d be remised if I didn’t mention that my esteemed roommate and I have come to the consensus that Susan is not just a beautiful girl…she’s absolutely smoking hot. In fact, she’s so freaking hot that I can’t discuss it rationally, so I’m just going to move on. ( Side wagering note: the aforementioned esteemed roommate has set the over/under at 8 months before Susan appears in Hef's mag. I'm leaning towards the under, but that might just be wishful thinking.)

Moana (3:1) – She’s still mysterious and intriguing. But, her family is NUTS. This has to factor in. But, the fact that she’s still around is remarkable considering the constant attacks from the other women. Not to mention that her crying and babbling video tape message was horrifying. I just don’t know what to make of her at this point. Much like Mike McD against Teddy KGB in “Rounders”, the longer she hangs around, you just have to start believing that she’s actually going to win this thing. For the record, in case you were wondering, I said in week 2 that I would pick Moana, and I'm standing by that. Why? Well, clearly, I'm nuts. If you don't know that by now then you haven't been paying attention.

Sarah from Tennessee (5:2) – What can I say? I think she’s a horrible choice. Nothing about her says excitement, but this dude really seems to like her. She’s not even close to the hottest or coolest girl, so he MUST really like her to be keeping her around. The biggest thing she has going for her is that, unlike the other two, she has no baggage. She seems relatively normal, her family didn’t ruin her, and she hasn’t said anything incredibly stupid to him yet. So, it appears that winning “The Bachelor” isn’t much different than being an NFL quarterback these days…you don’t have to do anything productive, you just have to avoid the big mistake. Sarah has done that so far, so she looks like she’s well on her way to becoming the Ben Roethlisberger of reality t.v. Yes, I just managed to take a shot at Big Ben during a break down of “The Bachelor.” I have reached an all time low.

Before I finish with “The Bachelor” this week, it’s important that we take a minute to bid adieu to this week’s odd girl out, Sarah from Canada. In case you don’t have the power of DVR, let me just tell you that her entrance to tonight’s Rose Ceremony was legendary. Let’s just say that she made the right choice when she pulled that dress out of the closet. However, the legendary moment didn’t come from her. It came when the camera caught the slimy host taking a peak at her chest. (I tried to think of a clever way to say this, but I just couldn’t come up with anything remotely appropriate for the female readers.) Anyway, Hans and I thought we caught him, and after three rewinds of the DVR, we confirmed that we caught the dirt ball peaking. At any rate, suffice it to say, we are all sad to see Canada’s sweetheart go. Ultimately, she fell victim to her own cattiness and insecurity. She couldn’t stop talking trash about the other girls to Travis, and he finally realized that she was born in the 80’s. Just too much for her to overcome. I think this exchange between Hans and I sums it up best:

Me: If she would just shut up about the other girls, she would be fine. She just doesn’t know when to be quiet.

Hans: She’s 23, she doesn’t know shit.

Just more proof of my theory that if a television network put a camera in our living room and broadcast it around the world, Hans and I would be the biggest stars in reality t.v. history.

Monday, February 06, 2006 

Texas Sized Super Bowl Wrap-up

I just wanted to take a second to introduce today's guest writer, R. Fite. Fite is my boy from law school, and he has flashed his comedic and smart-ass skills daily here on The WAD. He currently resides in Austin, Texas with his wife and his poodle. Yes, he has a poodle. I am really thankful he took on the task of writing this year's Super Bowl recap, because I just don't have the heart. I mean, this feels worse than the two years the Marlins won the World Series. As fans we got cheated because the best team in the NFL certainly didn't win the Super Bowl. It's very un-satisfying when this happens. Almost disheartening. Well, enough from me, here's Fite:



I’d like to thank the WAD for this opportunity, especially since one of my posts was censored just last week. Apparently one of my captions for Thursday’s contest was, in the WAD’s words, "Generally Unacceptable, and Not Tolerated" (a/k/a G.U.N.T.). I will do my best to keep the commentary kid friendly.
A few quick disclaimers before we get started. First, I’m doing this commentary without the benefit of TiVo. Second, my internet is out so I won’t have access to stats, etc. It will be first run reactions, and if I miss something, maybe I was taking a piss. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, I have no financial interest in the outcome. Some would say that makes me an impartial observer, others would say I’m a [as Naughty by Nature once said "another way to call a cat a kitten, there’s five little letters missing."]
I’m also somewhat disappointed that they didn’t make a bigger deal of it being Super Bowl XL. "The Super Bowl is always big, but this year, thanks to Jerome Bettis, it’s extra large!!"

Pregame

ABC continues to show black and white pictures of Seahawks and Steelers holding the Lombardi trophy. Unfortunately for the Seahawks, these pictures will soon be making their rounds through the internet:

[Shaun Alexander holding trophy] Being a franchise running back, $6.5 million; winning the league MVP $250,000 bonus; watching Charlie Batch raise your trophy, priceless.

The pre-game show also had a Stevie Wonder concert. I’m assuming that he gets tickets for performing, I’m just glad I’m not the guy that has to decide which ones: "Uhh…Stevie, your tickets are in section 999 row ZZ seats 1 and 2. You should probably sit in seat 1, it’s a partially obstructed view."

Now for the best part of the pre-game: the teams come running out on to the field. The Seahawks inexplicably chose to come out to Bittersweet Melody. Joey Porter made a few jokes that he didn’t know they were playing "San Francisco" dudes. Shortly after they finish laughing, the Steelers come out to Fatboy Slim’s Right Here, Right Now. This is a huge pre-game advantage for the Steelers.

For the first half of the national anthem we’re subjected to Aaron Neville. Even though he served six months for grand theft auto and got prison tats, he still has no street cred. It’s just painful watching a man with Mike Tyson’s voice and Drew Brees’ complexion.

The final bit of pre-game is the coin toss. I have no idea why Tom Brady is there. Surely he could be banging somebody, but he decided to get dressed in his velvet/suede jacket and work the coin toss. The Seahawks choose tails, and tails it is. This coin toss has helped the Seahawks make up for the terrible intro, and it has also delighted/enraged every degenerate prop gambler in the country.

First Quarter

Seahawks won the toss and they take the ball. On their first possession they complete three passes to Darrell Jackson, and only give the ball to the MVP once. Seattle fails to move the ball and is forced to punt. This is excellent news for those betting that there will be no score for the first 6:30.

Steelers take over at their 20, and they false start before they can get the first play off. They false start again on third down. This is not a good start. At this point my wife (Kate) asks if I’m "going to dictate the whole fucking thing." As all married men do, I told my wife that I loved her and continued doing what I was doing. Pittsburgh punts, no return and 5:21 has elapsed. 69 more seconds to clear the prop…

The Seahawks cover the 6:30 bet by keeping the ball in bounds and the clock moving. Kate says that she is rooting for Seattle, because their uniforms are a pretty blue. After seeing "the guy with the hair" [Troy Polamalu] she seems to reconsider. Maybe she’s rooting for Pittsburgh after all.

Seconds later Ike Taylor drops an interception. Kate immediately claims that she could have caught it.

Well, the Steelers get the ball back and Fast Willie and Big Ben just aren’t getting it done. Bettis is still on the sidelines, waiting for the ball boy to bring him his second plate of hot wings. The Bus can’t run without fuel.

Later in the first, Darrell Jackson catches his fifth ball. This catch tied a Super Bowl record with Andre Reed. Is this a bad sign if the Seahawks are being compared with the Bills?
Jackson TD!!!!....but wait, he’s a cheater. Seattle settles for a field goal, they’re up 3-0.

2nd Quarter

ABC puts up a graphic that the Steelers are only the third team in Super Bowl history to go through the first quarter without a first down. Seattle fans can’t be happy, this is almost as bad as talking about a no hitter that’s in progress.

At the 12:10 mark of the second quarter the Bus comes in for the first time and the crowd goes wild. His first play in is an incomplete pass, the next play the Bus rumbles for two yards. He immediately leaves the game with compound indigestion and hunger pains.

A few plays later Big Ben gets picked by Michael Boulware. The WAD gets some sort of perverse satisfaction from this, yelling that at least 12 other starting quarterbacks would have made a better throw. (Seriously, Roethlisberger did nothing to help his team yesterday. They won in spite of him. He simply does not deserve his good fortune at this point. History will prove that Dunn was right all along about this guy. Average quarterback on a good team that happened to get lucky enough to avoid the Pats on their way to beating a self destructive team in the Super Bowl. In other words, he sucks - Okay, Fite didn't write that. I couldn't resist.)

After the change of possession we are treated to the Budweiser aerial coverage. "Hey Al, look at this great shot of the dome." "Goddammit John, it looks the same as it did five minutes ago. Why don’t you drag your fat ass to Ace Hardware and get a new brain."

During the next commercial we saw the ad for "The Shaggy Dog." This steaming pile stars Tim Allen as a person who apparently changes back and forth from a dog. Maybe good old Tim has been doing some of that coke he used to sell, because this movie was great 20 years ago when it was called Teen Wolf.

Pittsburgh moves to the goal line, but the Bus gets stopped twice in a row. Al and John remind everyone that Bettis grew up in Detroit. It’s that kind of insight that lets you cover the Super Bowl.

On third down Big Ben tailgated the Bus into the endzone. There’s a question as to whether or not he scored, but since we’re inside two minutes only refs can review. Play stands as called, which is the correct decision. I don’t think there would have been conclusive evidence to overturn no matter which way they called it.

Halftime

The Stones are playing, but if you look closely you see Jagger wearing some sort of Nike Air orthopedic shoes. Keith Richards, meanwhile, feels no pain.

Halftime also had several of the "I’m going to Disney World" ads. I wonder if the Seahawks are still going there, now that they have to pay their own way. If I ran Warner Brothers I’d pay the losers to say "I’m going to Universal Studios!!"

The last interesting thing about half was that we learned Bettis was miked for sound. I guess he’s a pretty good person to mike, as he was talking on the sidelines for the entire first half. The only problem was the sound was a little muffled, he had mistakenly dipped the mike in Ranch and tried to eat it.

Second Half

I should have gambled on the game, because it has been boring. If this were the regular season I would have changed the channel long ago. There were only a few interesting things about the second half.

1. At halftime Kate decided that she would root for the Steelers, despite her love of the Seahawks uniforms. Pretty early on in the half Fast Willy Parker scored on his 75 yard run. The cameras rolled on the sidelines as he was running his mouth afterwards. Kate asked "which team is that asshole on [apparently forgetting that Blue = Seahawks]? I don’t like him." Once again, she’s conflicted.

2. Alexander starts to pick up some trash yards, but they never seem to do anything for the team. I’ve never seen a league MVP that is so hard to notice. Maybe the WAD should list all the starting RB’s that could do his job. His performance sure as hell won’t help his contract negotiations.

3. Jeremy Stevens caught a TD. Joey Porter said that they allowed him to do this, as the Steelers had too big of a lead, and the media had stopped disrespecting them.

4. Dan Marino’s ulcer begins to bleed once he realizes Charlie Batch and Tommy Maddox have more Super Bowl rings than he does.

5. After the game Bettis refers to himself in the third person as "the Bus" when he says that this game was the Bus’ last stop (unless you count the IHOP all you can eat buffet).

In the end it was a boring game and we won’t be seeing it on NFL films or ESPN classic anytime soon.

Friday, February 03, 2006 

7 MOST MEMORABLE SUPER BOWL MOMENTS and super bowl XL preview

First and foremost, I’m still reeling from the fact that Johnny actually fell off the rocks last night on “The O.C.” I mean, I was totally pulling for this to happen, but I was still speechless when he took the tumble. First there was Oliver, then Trey, and now Johnny. The lesson to be learned is clearly that Marissa Cooper is the Angel of Darkness. Can you explain it any other way? By the way, while we are on the subject, is there any doubt that Mischa Barton will do a stint in rehab and appear in a Cinemax After Dark film in the next decade? Some people’s destiny is just so obvious that it can’t be ignored.

The second order of business today is to hand out the hardware for yesterday’s caption contest. For most of the afternoon and evening it looked like Fite would extend his reign to three consecutive weeks with his double stuff Oreo comment, but at the end, Stats pulled out the W. The only criteria I have is the volume and length of my laughter, and I went to level 5 laughter for about a minute with the whole Georgia Tech basketball player/computer science/mathematics comment. It just got me. What can I say? I’m a dork.

So, today we are bringing the “High Fidelity” tribute week to an end, as well as finally discussing this year’s Super Bowl. So, without further ado here’s the last Top 7 list of the week followed by this year’s Super Bowl preview.

THE 7 MOST MEMORABLE MOMENTS IN SUPER BOWL HISTORY

7) Lynn Swann’s Juggling Act
Swann caught 4 balls for 167 yards on his way to being named M.V.P. of Super Bowl X, but he tuly etched his image in Super Bowl lore with his remarkable 53 yard catch in the second quarter. Nobody remembers that the Steelers won that game 21-17. However, everybody whose ever watched the NFL network for more than a half hour remembers that catch.

6) 70 Chip
“The play…70 chip…and the name John Riggins will live forever in Redskins’ folklore.” Living with my buddy Colby and watching football with him for nearly a decade now, I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve heard those words. Not only is this possibly the greatest NFL Films clip ever, but it was absolutely one of the greatest plays in Super Bowl history. Trailing the Dolphins 17-13 in the fourth quarter of Super Bowl XVII, the Skins had fourth and 1 on the Dolphins 43. The Dolphins stacked the line, the Hogs went to work, and Riggins ran into history.

5) The Fridge
The Bears destroyed the Pats 46-10 in Super Bowl XX, and their last touchdown came on a one yard plunge by William “Refrigerator” Perry. Unfortunately, while Perry was scoring, Walter Payton, after spending a career languishing for the Bears, was standing on the sidelines being denied his chance to score a T.D. in the Super Bowl. I hate this play. It makes me sad every time I think about it. However, nobody will ever forget it, so it has to make the list.

4) Wide Right
Super Bowl XXV was one of the most emotional sporting events in American history. The game was played only 11 days after the commencement of Operation Desert Storm. The country was awash in patriotism, and Whitney Houston performed the most amazing version of “The Star Spangled Banner” you’ve ever heard. Flags were waving, F-14’s flew over the stadium, and the electricity in the Old Sombrero in Tampa was felt from coast to coast. In the midst of all this emotion, the Giants and the Bills played one of the greatest Super Bowls in history. With only seconds left, Scott Norwood lined up for a 47 yard field goal to win the game. He, of course, pushed the kick wide right, the Giants pulled off the upset, and the Bills tasted defeat for the first of four consecutive times in the Super Bowl. What would have become of the Bills if Norwood made that kick? To this day, that’s one of the most debated topics in bars across America. That alone justifies this play’s spot in the Top 7.

3) Vinatieri #1
The Rams were huge favorites in Super Bowl XXXVI and the over/under was 53. I, of course, parlayed the Rams with the over. That’s neither here nor there. Somehow, the Pats bottled up the explosive Rams offense right up until Ricky Proehl hauled in a T.D. pass to tie the game with 1:30 to play. Moments later, Tom Brady started his march towards the Hall of Fame, and the Pats started their march to a dynasty. With :07 to play, Vinatieri drilled a 48 yard field goal, the clock inexplicable hit :00, and the biggest upset in Super Bowl history was complete. To this day I still can’t believe the Pats won this game. Just with Norwood’s kick, it’s easy to play the “what-if” game with Vinatieri’s first Super Bowl winner. If he misses, do the Pats go on to win 3 out of 4? Much to the chagrin of Boston fans, we’ll never know, and they have no reason to feel sorry for themselves. Sorry, that’s a whole other topic.

2) One Freaking Yard
The fourth quarter of Super Bowl XXXIV was simply electric. The Titans roared back from a 16-0 deficit earlier in the game, Isaac Bruce caught a perfectly placed bomb from the bag boy (a.k.a. Kurt Warner) to give the Rams a 7 point lead with 1:52 left, and then on the last play of the game, Mike Jones stopped Kevin Dyson one yard short of destiny. I’ve said it a million times before, but I’ll say it again…how do you not throw the ball in the endzone on that play? Are you freaking kidding me? The greatest thing about this play is that it was one of those rare moments where everybody in the house was standing around the t.v. like it was 12 inches wide, and everybody went nuts when it was over. In short, this play was a MOMENT. I could live 100 years and never forget every single thing about this play, right down to the sick feeling in my stomach when I realized I had come three feet short of hitting the parlay of the Titans and the over. Yes, I’m bitter, and yes, I hate Mike Jones.

1) “Hey look guys, that’s John Candy sitting in the front row.”
Legend has it those are the words Joe Montana uttered to his teammates when they huddled up to start their 92 yard march into immortality. Who know if he really said it, but it makes a great story…just another example of how Montana was ALWAYS the coolest cat in the building. There was 3:20 left on the clock when the Niners started their march. There was :34 left when Montana somehow threw a laser into an impossibly small seam to hit John Taylor in the back of the endzone to win Super Bowl XXIII. Why is this the most memorable moment in Super Bowl history? It’s simple. You had the best player in the game making a legendary play in the biggest game at the perfect time. As an 11 year old kid, I knew at that moment that I had just seen something that I would tell my kids about. Does it get any more memorable than that?

Honorable mention: Elway’s helicopter spin in Super Bowl XXXII, Marcus Allen’s amazing 74 yard T.D. run in Super Bowl XVIII, the Forty Niner’s goal line stand in Super Bowl XVI, Vinatieri II in Super Bowl XXXVIII, and Eugene Robinson’s solicitation in Super Bowl XXXIII.


Okay, now that the Top 7 is behind us, here is a very brief preview of Super Bowl XL

Seattle +4 v. Pittsburgh
I have been racking my brain trying to figure out what I think is going to happen here. I thought I had it. After that insane victory in Indy, I dubbed the Steelers a team of destiny, and I had almost talked myself into believing that the Bettis fumble/Nick Harper tackling himself/Idiot kicker shanking the tying field goal meant the Steelers were destined to win. Then, I started thinking…the Titans lost the Super Bowl after the Music City Miracle, the Falcons lost the Super Bowl after Gary Andersen’s miracle miss, The Broncos lost the Super Bowl after “The Drive” and “The Fumble”, and the Bills lost the Super Bowl after “The Comeback”. So, with the exception of the Pats after the “Tuck Rule”, you can throw the whole team of destiny thing out the window once a team makes the Super Bowl.

So, if the “team of destiny” thing doesn’t help us, where should we turn? What I’ve finally decided is to keep things simple. At the end of the day, the Seahawks are a better team than the Steelers…plain and simple. The number 1 seed in the NFC is better than the 6th seed in the AFC. The Seahawks DB’s won’t drop picks, Shaun Alexander didn’t win the MVP by accident, and Mike Holmgren has been down this road before. In all sincerity, I don’t expect this game to be close. The WAD prediction is that the Seahawks dispose of the Steelers 34-13. So, let me be the first to congratulate the Steelers on their first World Championship in a quarter century!


ONE LAST THING:
I just wanted to give everybody a heads up that after four months of writing every day, I’m going to take a little bit of a breather. Things are a little crazy at the real job, and I just need a few days to relax. Right now, I’m planning on only writing twice next week. I’m planning on doing the T.V. column on Tuesday and a weekend preview next Friday. Not to worry though, we’ll still have the caption contest on Thursday. So, essentially, that leaves only Monday and Wednesday completely un-accounted for. That being said, I’d love for one or two of you guys to take a shot at pinch hitting on those days. If you are interested, please let me know. Have a great weekend.

Weekly Top 7

All-Time Top 7 Sports Movies

7) Kingpin - "The world can really kick your ass. I only have a vague recollection of when it wasn't kickin' mine" - Roy Munson

6) Caddyshack - "Don't sell yourself short Judge. You're a tremendous slouch." - Ty Webb

5) Major League - "Want me to drag him outta here, kick the shit out of him?" - Rick Vaugh

4) Eight Men Out - "Say it ain't so Joe. Say it ain't so." - Pee Wee

3) Rocky - "If I can go that distance, you see, and that bell rings and I'm still standin', I'm gonna know for the first time in my life, see, that I weren't just another bum from the neighborhood." - Rocky Balboa

2) The Natural - "I coulda been better. I coulda broke every record in the book." - Roy Hobbs

AND...

1) Hoosiers - "My team's on the floor!" - Coach Dale

MAN OF THE WEEK


Getting this Laker team into the playoffs is the best coaching job Phil has ever done. Now he can list "The WAD" Man of the Week right next to his 9 rings on his list of accomplishments. Is there any reason for him to keep going?

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