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Friday, April 07, 2006 

Finally Leaving Las Vegas

I’ve got to be honest with you, I can’t believe it’s already Friday. When you spend your week clouded in the haze of a Vegas induced funk, what can I say, time flies! Speaking of Vegas, I had fully intended on giving you a detailed account of my latest trip to the promised land, but after much reflection, I’ve decided that might not be the best idea. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe in keeping secrets from my readers, but the truth of the matter is that there really isn’t a whole lot to tell. I mean, when you spend 31 of your 44 hours in Vegas planted firmly at a Blackjack table, that doesn’t leave too much time for much else. That being said, in typical WAD fashion, I’ve got seven insights into to Sin City to share with you. So, here goes:

1) Unless there is a marquee fight in town, you don’t want to stay at the MGM Grand. Don’t get me wrong…the rooms were nice, the staff was fine, and the dealers at the tables take your money just as efficiently as anywhere else, but it has two major flaws: 1) the cocktail waitresses were really hot in 1982, and 2) the place is too damn big. I don’t think I need to expound any more on the first point, but the second merits some conversation. When you go to Vegas, you want to do the majority of your gambling at your hotel so that you can rack up the comps and save money in the long run. Also, by gambling in the same place where you are sleeping you have the ability to escape a terrible run and call it a night in a hurry. At the MGM, however, you are never closer than a 10 minute walk to your room, so you might as well be across the street. In other words, it’s just too damn hard to escape, and you just end up sitting at the table two hours longer than you should out of sheer laziness. Of course, the flip side is that the cards might start running your way in those two hours. Who am I kidding? That never happens.

2) As soon as you land in Vegas you need to call your bank and let them know that you are there so you don’t get denied funds at the ATM by the inevitable fraud alert placed on your account after two withdrawals at the casino. Unfortunately, it took me about $800 worth of cash advances on the Discover Card to get around to making this call. On the plus side, I finally found somebody that actually still takes Discover! It’s all about the silver lining boys.

3) When your dealer looks at you and says “maybe you should take a break and give it a try later” you can react in one of two ways: 1) you can politely take their advice; or 2) you can politely tell them to “shut the f**k up and deal the cards.” Take it from me, option 1 will probably save you a lot of cash in the long run.

4) 90% of women in Vegas have larger than average breast. Even the old ones. I’m not saying this is a good thing or a bad thing. I’m simply relaying a scientifically verifiable fact.

5) N9NE at Palms is an awesome dining experience. The steak is tremendous, the wine is affordable, the sides are delicious, and the atmosphere is Chief. If you aren’t familiar with the term Chief, suffice it to say that it’s a good thing. I can guarantee you that every trip I take to Vegas will always include a trip to N9NE.

6) And, speaking of Palms, in addition to being the home of N9NE, Ghost Bar, and Rain, the casino is as good as it gets. Hardwood floors, bright colors, great music, small and comfortable pits, and a brigade of future Playmates as cocktail waitresses, make this the best gambling spot in Vegas. The only negative (besides the 8 month pregnant cigarette girl – talk about bizarre) is that around 4 A.M. when the K. Fed and Vin Diesel wannabes are filing out of Ghost Bar and Rain, you might have to endure some infuriating plays at the table. For example, I had one guy wearing a wife beater and a gold chain and a diamond earring hit a 15 with the dealer showing a 5. Fortunately, it wasn’t long after I said “what the f**k are you doing Eminem” that he decided to go back to his room and work on his flow. He, however, was nothing compared to the annoying 21 year old girl that couldn’t stop talking about how much she loved Britney Spears while taking 5 minutes to make every decision. Finally, as she was trying to decide whether to hit a 14 against a 10, she asked the table “what should I do?” When I responded by staring her right in the eye and saying “nobody gives a f**k, just do something”, she quickly busted and left the table. Everybody should have tipped me $10. This was the biggest act of charity I’ve ever performed. I don’t care what her drivers license says, somebody like her shouldn’t be allowed in grown up places.

7) Finally, never quit unless you are up. Seriously, if you are playing Blackjack, the cards will eventually turn your way. You just have to have enough roll to let you withstand the beating. Or, you just have to have a credit card that allows you to take cash advances without a PIN. Either way gets the job done. For example, it took me 25 hours to dig an enormous hole, and it only took 3 hours to dig my way almost out of the hole. Of course, I’m still in the hole, so maybe you shouldn’t be listening to me. In fact, I’m positive you shouldn’t be listening to me.

And, here’s a bonus tip:

If you don’t like to fly, it’s not a good idea to get on a plane after 26 bourbon and gambling filled sleepless hours. Somewhere over New Mexico, as I was sandwiched between two young ladies that wouldn’t shut up, I actually considered trying to choke myself with a pretzel. Fortunately for me, the service on AirTran is so bad I am actually still waiting for the flight attendant to bring me those pretzels. That being said, I’d do it all again next weekend. Any takers?

You made my Friday by reminding me of the girl at Palms who was playing blackjack to pass the time while her friend was back in the room getting some poor guy in A LOT of trouble. The look on that 15 year old whore's face was the funniest thing I think I've ever seen... she was a little frightened by the WAD.

On another note, the WAD could be the single hardest person to try and gamble with. Nothing like losing your ass and the WAD next to you bitching because his blackjack has two red cards and he likes them to be black and yeah he may have won a little money but it is the principal of the fact that the dealer is just too short... I know it doesn't make sense... it didn't then either.

That being said, Mikey... I think we finished solid... and hopefully by the weekend my poo will do the same.

Did the WAD or anyone else leave any interesting futures bets on MLB or NFL?

I have to take great exception to Chandler's last comment. Usually, I'm the most fun guy in the world to gamble with, but I was kind of tough on this trip. Nothing like being down close to a Grand in the first two hours to put you in a terrible mood. Seriously, for the first day and a half of this trip, I had the worst luck of my life. If somebody had walked up and kicked me in the nuts and puched me in the nose, it wouldn't have been as bad as the cards I was getting. I went one stretch in my second hour where I lost 17 of 18 hands. How does that happen? Fortunately for me, however, Chandler's good karma finally wore off on me, and we on a run for the ages. Big ups and gigantic accolades to Chandler. Through him all things are possible.

Word.

Back to the Brittany-loving slut. She said something about being from Fresno and knowing K-fed that was absolutely hysterical... any idea what it was?

One last tip from the WAD... if you are tired on a plane, keep your head off of the breasts of the woman sitting next to you... even if they are fluffy like pillows.

Yes, I happen to remember exactly what she said. Here is the exact quote of her response when she was asked by the Pit Boss what she thought of Britney's loser husband:

"I love Kevin. He's from Fresno and I used to hang out with him. He worked at the car wash near my house. He's the sweetest guy, but he smokes a ton of pot."

You honestly can't make stuff like that up.

As for the boobies on a plane, you can't make stuff like that up either. I'm not sure if I've ever been that embarassed.

To answer Fite's question, I actually didn't place any futures bets. The only one I seriously considered was Sergio at 15-1 to win the Masters. For all the others (i.e. super bowl, world series, etc...) I've decided it's easier to place these on-line where the payout can happen instantaneously.

Payout??? HA!

this is fantastic, the government wants to seize gold teeth

http://www.cnn.com/2006/LAW/04/07/gold.teeth.ap/index.html

Ah, Vegas. I'm glad your trip to the holiest of holies went well.

Did anyone else know this fact? This has got to be the best trivia of all time. I guess you could say that Jordan and Carl were teammates?

The Chicago Bulls inexplicably drafted Carl Lewis in the 1984 NBA Draft with the 208th overall pick.

http://www.collegehumor.com/pictures/1679254/

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Weekly Top 7

All-Time Top 7 Sports Movies

7) Kingpin - "The world can really kick your ass. I only have a vague recollection of when it wasn't kickin' mine" - Roy Munson

6) Caddyshack - "Don't sell yourself short Judge. You're a tremendous slouch." - Ty Webb

5) Major League - "Want me to drag him outta here, kick the shit out of him?" - Rick Vaugh

4) Eight Men Out - "Say it ain't so Joe. Say it ain't so." - Pee Wee

3) Rocky - "If I can go that distance, you see, and that bell rings and I'm still standin', I'm gonna know for the first time in my life, see, that I weren't just another bum from the neighborhood." - Rocky Balboa

2) The Natural - "I coulda been better. I coulda broke every record in the book." - Roy Hobbs

AND...

1) Hoosiers - "My team's on the floor!" - Coach Dale

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Getting this Laker team into the playoffs is the best coaching job Phil has ever done. Now he can list "The WAD" Man of the Week right next to his 9 rings on his list of accomplishments. Is there any reason for him to keep going?

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