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Thursday, April 20, 2006 

Home Sweet Home

After three very long days on the road, I just got back home. Nothing like a two hour delay at a terrible airport followed by a flight through a lightning storm to unwind after three days of stress. Let's just say that my flight would have been rough on somebody that likes to fly much less someone like me that despises flying. I had planned on knocking out a new column for today, but because I haven't read a newspaper or watched t.v. in the past three days, I just don't have much to say. I do, however, love the idea proposed by Stats yesterday that I become the new White House press secretary. I just don't see how this couldn't be a good things. I mean, is there any body else you can think of that would make White House press briefings "must see t.v."? On that note, here are the seven rules I would implement as White House press secretary:

7. Nobody, I mean nobody, from the New York Times would ever be allowed on the White House grounds.

6. Sports Illustrated, ESPN The Magazine, and The Covington News would be given permanent seats in the White House Press Room.

5. Every briefing between now and the NFL Draft would include a report of Mel Kiper's updated Big Board.

4. Any mention of Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden, John Kerry, or Ted Kennedy would result in a permanent ban from the Press Room.

3. Every Tuesday briefing would include a detailed report on "24", "The Sopranos", and "The Bachelor".

2. I would answer all questions using my Stephen A. Smith voice.

1. Every member of the Press Corp. would be required to read The WAD.

Okay, that's all I can muster right now, but I promise to have fresh stuff tomorrow. Till then, feel free to propose some rules you think I should implement in my new job as White House Press Secretary.

Here are the results from the morning web surf:


Reason # 2,343,811 that Baylor sucks. No wonder the branch dividians went crazy.

http://today.reuters.com/news/articlenews.aspx?type=oddlyEnoughNews&storyid=2006-04-20T123334Z_01_N19261481_RTRUKOC_0_US-COLLEGE-PLAYBOY.xml

**************

In what can only be described as a slight improvement over "I want to piss on you", R. Kelly's new song claims that "It's like 'Jurassic Park,' but I'm your sexasaurus."

http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1529033/20060419/kelly_r.jhtml?headlines=true

*************

I had always wondered what a 56 mile long chain of bras would look like.

http://today.reuters.com/news/articlenews.aspx?type=oddlyEnoughNews&storyid=2006-04-19T175059Z_01_L19625220_RTRUKOC_0_US-CYPRUS-BRAS.xml

*********

And finally, you can make almost anything funny if you translate it to redneck or jive.

http://www.rinkworks.com/dialect/

Dunn would make a great press secretary, he is close minded, easily manipulates facts and always thinks he is right. Plus if he was to hold the job, we could all call him a 'secretary'.

On a different note, for those of you who don't know, I am a lifelong Los Angeles Clippers fan. Yes, it is finally 'Hip to Clip'. I am so excited to see the Clipshow in the playoffs (if for no other reason than the fact that their games now HAVE to be televised on the east coast). With that, can someone please explain to me how the NBA playoffs work (specifically home court advantage and if their is reseeding or a bracket)? It has been so long since the Clips were in the playoffs that I just don't know what the hell D. Stern has conjured up to draw more suburban white kids to an inner city game.

I had no idea Leinart was keeping a diary for espn. Here's a little gem from his latest entry:

I went to my Aunt's house on Sunday for Easter. We had an Easter egg hunt. My family usually splits up $50 between the eggs. They didn't tell us, but this time they stuck $100 in one of the eggs. I found that egg. I gave my brother Ryan $5 out of generosity. That's courtesy right there. He showed a lot of effort in his Easter egg hunt, but he just couldn't cut it.

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/draft06/news/story?id=2414443

This is tough

http://www.winterrowd.com/maze.swf

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Weekly Top 7

All-Time Top 7 Sports Movies

7) Kingpin - "The world can really kick your ass. I only have a vague recollection of when it wasn't kickin' mine" - Roy Munson

6) Caddyshack - "Don't sell yourself short Judge. You're a tremendous slouch." - Ty Webb

5) Major League - "Want me to drag him outta here, kick the shit out of him?" - Rick Vaugh

4) Eight Men Out - "Say it ain't so Joe. Say it ain't so." - Pee Wee

3) Rocky - "If I can go that distance, you see, and that bell rings and I'm still standin', I'm gonna know for the first time in my life, see, that I weren't just another bum from the neighborhood." - Rocky Balboa

2) The Natural - "I coulda been better. I coulda broke every record in the book." - Roy Hobbs

AND...

1) Hoosiers - "My team's on the floor!" - Coach Dale

MAN OF THE WEEK


Getting this Laker team into the playoffs is the best coaching job Phil has ever done. Now he can list "The WAD" Man of the Week right next to his 9 rings on his list of accomplishments. Is there any reason for him to keep going?

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